A Great Man Once Said…

There were, are, and will be many great men. Just like many inspirational and wisdoms of truth have been had, there are brilliant sentences yet to be spoken. One of my more recent favorite quotes from a not so well known individual with an adventurous lifestyle and heart of gold said [and I quote]: In the context of talking about life and moving forward, “the only way to get started moving is to get in the boat.” ~Bruce H. (5/11/2015)

Ok, so it may seem a little cliche, but for some reason this simple phrase clicked with me. I realize that in a lot of my posts I talk about my past mistakes, forgiving and forgetting, and of course, moving on. It’s unfortunate that it’s taken me so long to understand this, well, maybe on the level I do now, but throughout my experiences, occasional nightmares, and self-revelations, I’ve learned there are things I will allow myself to accept, things that I will challenge myself to change, and things that only God knows that will potentially question, but also strengthen my faith.

So, what have I learned? Well for starters, you always, always, have your family. Secondly, your friends. Third, your dog, or beloved pet.

Additionally, sometimes the things you want most in life, are the things most worth waiting for: an incredible job, the opportunity to travel the world, a wonderful partner ( who, mind you, doesn’t always have to be a human – mine usually has 4 legs, sheds constantly, and responds to the word “cookie”), a house filled with children, or even a vacation. Everyone wants something from this life. This life that brings unique stories to the world, and with each story a new journey, and each journey, a different ending.

As I was rummaging through some of my school folders, I found one that is now taped to my desk that serves as a wonderful reminder to me every day. It appears as follows:

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.”

First things first, in order to get moving, don’t forget to get in the boat.



Choose Wisely

I went to Church yesterday… I hadn’t gone in a while, and now especially being back home and going to my own Church where, you know, you see absolutely everyone you don’t want to see? More or less because they bring back awkward grade-school memories, or because you know behind that “oh-aren’t-I-a-good-Catholic” smile that really they’re all just busy-bodies after information about whatever is going on in your life? Yeah. Those people. Gotta love ’em.

Oh reader I hope that didn’t leave you with a bitter taste as I am anything but bitter! That little blurb was roughly 90% sarcasm and the other half truth. *Also please notice the not-so-subtle reference to Yogi Berra. If you don’t know who he is…shame on you.

Having been home for only a week thus far, I’ll admit it’s been a mixture of feelings: wonderful because hooray for being home, am I right? Or am I right? Insane because my middle sister is graduating on Friday and my mom is losing/has lost her marbles cleaning, party planning, all that good stuff. Irritating because since I’m the calmest one in the house, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE including the dog, seek refuge in my room. Not that I don’t mind the company, but every other 5 minutes or so, mom walks in to rummage through the closet for “something”, dad walks in then stretches on my floor asking about my current “doings”, little sister sometimes sleeps in my bed, same with my dog. Then I’m over here at my desk thinking, “uh, sure family you can just all move into my room, let’s have a slumber party!” LOL. Now that would be something I’m not sure I’d be more than reluctant to pay to see…

If you haven’t caught on already, I’m feeling a bit sassy? Sarcastic? …Just roll with it.

REGARDLESS OF ALL THE CRAZY THINGS HAPPENING I am most definitely grateful to be home and with everyone. I know my mom loves having me home because I’m honestly the only sane person in this household. I sometimes think they based the show Modern Family off of our family…

Ok ok Beth, get a grip.

… where am I going with this? *inspiration come to me!!!*

10:18pm I just looked back at what I titled this blog, “Choose Wisely” and ironically enough one of my most favorite songs just came on (Holocene by Bon Iver – ugh, it’s so beautiful and slow and sad… but I just love it. Give it a listen sometime).

Choose Wisely. Ah, I remember… yes! That’s why I talked about Church in the beginning, ok it’s all coming back to me… I was originally going to title it “If he takes you to a dining hall, it’s NOT a date.” Iz would have a good laugh at that…Back to the topic.

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about my life, decisions I have made, am going to have to eventually make, and those I don’t know about that again, I may or may not have to face. This theme most certainly relates back to the thought of parallel universes. Like the idea of if I wasn’t so weird, awkward, or antisocial in middle school would I have had more friends? That’s a bad example, everyone’s weird in middle school. (The Stable Song by Mr. Isakov – Pandora you are nailing it tonight.) How about this: if you asked my friends to describe me in one word, what do you think they’d say? Most would say crazy. Truthfully, yes, that is more than accurate. But why? What if I wasn’t so overzealous or laughed till my eyes watered at things that maybe didn’t deserve that strong of a reaction, what would they say then? If I acted differently, maybe quiet, reserved, would they say I’m nice-er? Personally, I think I’m a pretty quiet and reserved person, but others think quite the opposite. Another question: what if I didn’t go to OSU? How different would my life have been? Would my social, emotional, and romantic statuses be different than they are now? Of course I’ll never know, but it sure makes me wonder. Never enough to keep me awake at night, but I digress.

The pastor at my church had a splendidly brief homily about decision making and how it not only affects the individual, but the rest of the flock so to speak. Whether it be a spiritual or personal decision, it creates a ripple effect on the rest of the community. You may not necessarily be connected to the decision-maker, but the emotional response you have to his or her decision is ultimately the effect that the decision has on you personally. Interesting to think about, right? Of course, the closer you are to said decision-maker, the more intimate these emotions and feelings become, and the greater the reaction is toward the outcome. (Skinny Love – yet another one of my favorites. So calming…)

I’ve rambled a bit in this post, my mind is here but everywhere all at once. I’m not thinking about anything in particular, yet here I am finding myself very much distracted by whatever it is, that I’m not… thinking about? Hmm…

I guess to conclude this never-ending post: I’m peaceful. The yin and yang are balanced tonight. The things I know right now versus the things I have yet to learn, definitely not so balanced. I have much to learn about my career, eventually living in an apartment and paying my own bills. Even my faith, I’ve been quite distant and although it doesn’t sadden or disappoint me as nearly as much as I know it should, the Big Man and I have a lot to discuss. And someday, when the time is right, I’ll be happily married, have a beautiful family, and start a whole new adventure.


I am a hard working college student, dedicated employee, loving daughter and sister, follower of Christ, Sudoku solver, and exercise enthusiast…

That just about sums me up. 🙂

Oh, I forgot one!



What’s Your Reason?

I do it to push myself. I do it to get out of my own head, away from my incessant thoughts; they vary from school, to the future and the past, to questioning and often reminiscing on former [failed] relationships *dryly laughs*. I wonder about parallel universes, do they exist? I think so. Just imagine the endless possibilities of ways certain life choices could have played out. All the “what ifs,” “whys,” and “hows” would be answered… This may sound strange, especially coming from me, a girl that over-analyzes every past decision, current thought, and future idea…yet somehow, I love planning the future. I aspire to do great things, change lives, make a difference in the world. Even if it is a small and unnoticeable difference to the greatest of the great, I aim that it will inspire the strong and humble – those like me who are not great, but dare greatly.

That, is who I am.

I push myself to test my limits, my abilities, and my strengths. I set a distance, run it, then run a little farther. I take one more stroke in the chlorinated water before allowing myself to inhale the oxygen that my lungs and heart take advantage of everyday. I study just an extra hour or two in the morning or at night, pushing my sleep to the side in order to memorize and understand those last few terms and concepts.

Let me make myself clear:

I. Dare. Greatly.

I do not need a man to make my heart race. I can do that for myself, pushing myself faster and harder till I feel my muscles burn and see my heart beating out of my chest. I have learned that in order to love, or be loved, I need to love myself first. In a world as competitive as this one, I must watch out for myself. I have learned to endure, if not love the struggle and hardships, because from these experiences I recognize how wonderful the good days are, the great friends and incredible family that I have, and most importantly, this life I live.

So when all those thoughts come roaming through my head, the thoughts that drive me out of my mind crazy, I use them to my advantage. I race them, I challenge them. I will use them to my advantage, to make myself better, faster, stronger. I want to make people in my past watch me grow up and move on. I want to show people today that I am reliable, intelligent, and aggressive. Even in my future, I will show my future colleagues, potential dates, and employers, that I am who I say I am. And that when I set my mind to it, that I will accomplish it.

Why? Because I dare greatly.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.                                                                                                                   ~Theodore Roosevelt

You gain strength


2am. Just Breathe.

2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

Well. It’s 2am. OK, 2:15 as I’m starting to write this, let’s see how long it takes. I realize I write my blogs at odd hours of the day/night, but this is not because I think to myself, “yes! what a great time to write a blog!” Oh no. I just work, at these hours…these very, odd, occasionally painful hours. (It’s now 2:16. *Sighs* Only 4 hours and 44 minutes to go).

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. It’s now 2:20am. 

Where did all my thoughts go? Come back brain – please function…

My mom and sister came to visit me this weekend! No Charlie this time around, the hotel wouldn’t let him stay, so Popsicle (my nickname for my dad) said he would take care of him. They came Thursday evening and will be departing for home around noon, maybe earlier today. As wonderful as it was to see them, I’m glad they’re leaving today… That sounds horrible, I know, but it’s just that my mom just brings this invisible stress factor when she comes and suddenly, I feel like everything I do is wrong or “not good enough” – what a phrase, eh? Ugh. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it’s all in my head. Yeah, probably is.

Ok, moving on.

I ran a 5k yesterday with my friend, Grant! It was COLD and early, but I’m so thankful he ran it with me and didn’t quit at the last minute…even though he did celebrate Passover the night before. For those of you that know how Passover is celebrated, you’d understand that he was quite the trooper to partake in an obstacle 5k at 7:30am. Oh yes, I forgot to mention it was an obstacle course, silly me. The race was called “Run Down the Demons” and it was a run to bring awareness about PTSD for currently serving soldiers and returning veterans. I was surprised by the turnout as well for this was the first time this event was hosted. “That’s nice Beth, but what were the obstacles?” The obstacles weren’t nearly as challenging as I had imagined they were going to be; however, mix them in with running up hills, down hills in general – 3.1 miles – it’s a lot. There were 2 mentally challenging questions (I believe 2? Grant thinks 3…), and 3 physically challenging obstacles. The mentally challenging obstacles were questions based on statistics/facts posted on boards throughout the race. Essentially, to get through these obstacles, you had to get the question correct, thus memorize the information as you went. (Ha! I’m just trying to remember how to breathe as I run much less remember every 10 signs they’re throwing at me between point A and point B.1…). The physically challenging obstacles were high crawling through sand, cold sand I will add (it hurt. like pins and needles)…25 jumping jacks and 10 pushups, a buddy carry (Grant carried me) and then lunges for about 30 yards? 25 no jump but jack (make sense?) with 30 flutter kicks and right before the finish line, 5 jump squats, a question, and a 60 yard sprint (that was the last obstacle). Mix all that in with 3.1 miles of running? Talk about a challenging race. Wow. *I am out of shape!* Don’t get me wrong, I’m strong, but my endurance/stamina could use some work.

Saying that… I unfortunately regret to say I will not be running the 1/2 marathon in May due to lack of time and preparation. If I did run it, I would only end up injuring myself and I’d prefer not to do that for obvious reasons. I apologize to the two wonderful donors who donated money to the cause. I hope that you are refunded if I cancel the GoFundMe event? If not, I will happily pay you back what you donated. The most I’ve run in a while was about 6 miles and that was a few weeks ago…So…unfortunately, I’ll have to pass on this race this time around. BUT! Hopefully next year I will be running it. Maybe even running the marathon? (Who am I kidding, THAT would be the craziest thing I’ve ever done.)

As I mentioned in my earlier blog, April’s challenge is 20-30 minutes of cardio daily, but after further review on how the 5k went, I will still do the 20-30 minute daily cardio, but 4 out of the 7 days, one of the workouts (or THE workout) will be cardio only. Running/walking, biking, swimming, elliptical-ling, stair-mastering – I have GOT to get my heart back in shape. Plus, my summer goal is to drop 10lbs. As my mom has been reminding me, fitness gets harder as you get older…and I don’t want to carry around anything extra I don’t need. It will only make life more difficult. So. From here on out, it’s clean eating, LOTS of cardio, and a little strength training to keep the muscles building/toned.

OH.MY.GOSH. If any of you watched the 2 Final Four Games, can I just say ON WISCONSIN! Wow. WHAT A GAME. Sorry I keep using bolded letters, but seriously – everyone thought Kentucky was supposed to win; after all, they were undefeated… But ye have little faith in my home state! I’m happy to say the Badgers won, they definitely deserved it. I hope they win it all.

And it’s 3:15am! (I’ve been blogging for an hour already?)

I can’t wait to go back to sleep. My roommate sent me this picture. I couldn’t help but laugh at how true it is:

*And very much applicable at any time of the day.*


knives animated GIF

Literally how I feel all the time. 

 Ok, let’s focus on the good things to which I have to look forward:

1. Only 3 weeks left of classes. That also means only 3 weeks left of the RPAC. Studying hard and making every workout count!

2. I’m done April 29th with everything and then I get to go home around May 8th. *initiate countdown until my 4 week summer stats class…*


4. Surprisingly looking forward to my cardio day tomorrow. I’m going to do a little bit of everything I think. Maybe a triathlon! Swim, bike, and run. GREAT IDEA! 

high five animated GIF 5. This is going to sound petty, but I can’t wait to look in the mirror and just be happy with what I see and be comfortable with how I look. I’ll be honest, I don’t like how I look in pictures – I’m not fishing for compliments by any means, but I know I could look better: cleaner, rested, lighter… It’ll be a process, but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

6. It’s a long ways a way, but I can’t wait for junior year. I’m looking forward to a new set of challenging classes, potential research opportunities, prepping for apartment living senior year, turning 21! So many things…

7. SUMMER! I can’t wait for the heat and working out with my trainer. By the way, if you watch American Ninja Warrior, he’s trying out! Soo be on the look out for a tall, incredibly strong man with the coolest dreadlocks from Senegal. He’s another one of my inspirations – he’s just an amazing individual.

I think that’s it for now. Hey look at the time! We’ve made it to 4:15am. 2 hours on this blog? Wowza.

Well, for those of you normal people that are asleep at 4:23am, I hope you dream wonderful dreams and have a pleasant Sunday. For those of you who celebrate Easter, happy Easter!!

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” -Albert Ellis


April showers are bringing more than May flowers…

It’s also bringing on a new challenge!

April is bringing on a 20-30 minute a day cardio schedule. While it doesn’t seem like a lot, that’s roughly 2+  miles running, a good trek on a bike, and a satisfying long swim.

When I was home over spring break, I was able to get in a training day with my own personal trainer – and boy did he kick my @$$ ! The hardest part of the workout was some of the TRX exercises and this one HIIT interval I did with these little barrier things. I’ll admit, I was pretty damn embarrassed, I felt like I was going to pass the heck out! I saw the color in my face draining, and I just thought to myself, “what is going on?! I work out everyday back at Home #2, so what’s the issue? I’ve run a half marathon, in training for another one, am a strong swimmer, solid jump roper, decent rower (at least on the erg)… WHAT THE HECK.

HIIT. That was it: High Intensity Interval Training. Those barriers lasted maybe a minute or two, but wow did it feel like forever.

SO. On that note, starting April 1st, I’m spicing up my workouts with more cardio fun. No, this is no April Fool’s joke, this is real…and the word ‘fun’ is used lightly in this case. It’s not going to be easy, but it’ll be worth it. I’m hoping that this is the breakthrough mechanism I need in my workouts. Believe me, I write some pretty challenging workouts – just ask the people who train with me! However, we’ve focused so much on weights and strength training that now is most definitely a perfect time to incorporate some cardio building. With the summer months quickly approaching, there’s no better or faster way to trim down and get lean then with a good ol’ run! Or bike, or swim for that matter.

I will still eat a healthy diet, LOTS of veggies, maybe cut back on the fruit just a little. I’ll be able to eat meat once again! That’ll be somewhat strange…I’ve become so accustomed to not eating meat now, but it’ll be nice to have turkey and chicken back in my menu. Furthermore, I should probably start cutting Good Bars out of my diet… Sad day, I know. But unfortunately, as healthy as they claim to be, they still have a high amount of sugar and fats which is the last thing I need in my diet. *Again: I do NOT claim to be a nutritionist. I am solely trying to live a more natural and healthy lifestyle.

That gives me an idea now that I sit here and ponder… While I don’t [typicallyeat prepackaged foods (ie. chips – oops just ate some now b/c, well hunger… and been awake since 11:45pm… and it’s 5:30am now) that would be another great thing to give up this month. That would mean no more Good Bars…But. It’s probably for the best. There are more natural ways of getting the necessary vitamins and healthy fats I need, and it doesn’t need to be through a prepackaged source. What about peanut butter?? Ugh. I guess that means goodbye peanut butter too. Maybe. I love peanut butter, but I guess that would make it a worthwhile challenge now, wouldn’t it?

I’ll do my best to post my workouts on here incase anyone is interested in doing them with me!

*Side note: If you feel like you are going to pass out, something hurts, or it is too fast/hard (at the moment!) stop, take a sip of water, and readjust.  Walk it out, shake it off, and keep on keeping on. If you need motivation, I’m a great motivator – I’ll post some fun things on here too to lighten the mood… just because workouts should be FUN and you should feel GREAT.

Granted I won’t be walking out of the gym like this everyday (or ever), but inside I will because I know deep down I’m making the necessary changes that will help me feel more confident with myself and even stronger in my workouts.

So while it might start off like this:

running animated GIF

and people/my friends will ask me:

running animated GIF

“just felt like running…” Yeah ok.

Eventually, my inspiration/motivation board and Runner’s World magazines will help me to make my transformation:

SLU Model Danielle H for Runners World!

 (Inspiration at its finest: what I would give to look like her…)

But I know if I put my mind to it:


Watch out world. 



Hello World!

dancing animated GIF

Guess who’s back? The Real Slim Shady.  HA, not quite – I am! I meant to blog about this earlier in the week but I kept procrastinating postponing the so-called “due date” and am only deciding to write it now. Plus I have some things that I need to get off my mind and what better way to do so then blog, right?

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is the first week back since break. Although the week went by relatively quick, it seems like Spring Break was so long ago? Maybe it’s just me.

Wow, where do I begin? Oh, I know exactly where. Reunited $hmoney Team? I thought I was going to cry… tears of joy, people! Tears of utter joy! (Ok, I might have shed one or two…Shh!) I don’t think they realized how much I missed them…Seriously.

After an interesting weekend so to say, too short of time with family, and setting a new personal record for hours worked over break, it was good to have some sanity back in my life. Yes, as crazy as my friends are individually (haha, I should talk…), they are the ones who help keep me grounded. They balance me: Em with her understanding and optimistic charisma, and of course my workout bud and JCamp goer Iz. Her realistic outlook and humor are always welcome in my life. I must say, we make a great group. Even though we sometimes get on each others nerves, at the end of the day, we know that we have each other to count on. For anything and everything.

*That sounded sappier than I wanted it to, but honestly I mean it. Truth be told, these lovely individuals are two of the greatest people I have gotten to know…and I am so thankful to call them my friends.

*no waterworks, you’re not welcome right now!

the incredibles animated GIF

I also gave blood for the first time with Iz! We donated on Friday; it went much better than I expected, although I did have to hold someone’s hand. Football player Chris Carter #72’s hand. Nbd or anything, we’re good friends. No but seriously, he’s a cool guy! I think the volunteers might’ve thought I was drunk (I don’t drink, I promise. Anyone can attest to that) during the process because I was just singing and jamming in my chair…honestly, I was just trying to keep myself distracted from the somewhat uncomfortable needle, tired arm, and lightheadedness. So that’s that. I would definitely donate again though, as long as someone goes with me and holds my hand for the first couple minutes as they set up. 🙂

Run Down the Demons 5k is coming up this weekend! I’m pretty excited, although I haven’t run in a while…but a 5k is not too bad, and it should be fun – some of my friends are going so it should be good.

Want to know my favorite part about this WHOLE week? Iz and I snuck into the Shoe (our Football stadium/Kingdom). Ok, “snuck into” is used lightly…It was Sibs and Kids weekend so everyone’s siblings were on campus this past weekend (which by the way, SO CUTE. Little kids are the greatest…back to the point!) and we walked in as cousins. It was great – we took some wonderful pictures, laid on the field, took more pictures, and imagined what it would be like to wear those stunning Championship Rings. Or necklace… @spinnershells, share the wealth here!

I promise I’m almost done here. It’s been quite a while since I’ve last blogged, but I just want to make sure I’ve got everything covered.

As you may or may not have remembered, one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to do monthly challenges, so a challenge for each month basically. This month’s challenge was to go vegetarian, thus #MeatlessMarch. It was very challenging at first. I had to consciously tell myself that I could not eat meat (except fish) for the entire month (so I guess that makes me a pescetarian?). However, as time passed I became accustomed to my newfound diet of veggie nuggets, fruit and lettuce salads, and sushi. Things I typically ate – so nothing too new here, aside from the no-meat part. As March comes to a close, I’ve come to the realization that I need to start eating more veggies and less meat. Although meat is a great source of protein, there are other sources of protein and ways to fill up without all the calories or high fats/cholesterol etc. I’m aware I’m no nutritionist, but eating too much meat is unhealthy. Additionally, it’s supposedly good for the planet to eat less meat. So hopefully I can make a positive difference that way, right? Are you wondering about April? So am I. I haven’t decided what I wanted to do yet for this next month, but I should probably figure it out fast. I’ll get back to you on that.

*Side note: I feel so much better! My head is much clearer now. *sigh of relief.* Don’t worry, I’m wrapping it up – I have to work at 2am (It’s 10:43pm now) so I’m hitting the sack soon.

In a wrap, things I’ve learned this week (some discussed earlier others not):

1) I can be happy if I choose to be.

2) I have some of the greatest friends on earth.

3) Iz and I could pass for cousins…At least for 45 minutes. “Mom?”

4) This week was tough, but I was happy. Happy. True bliss. Set up an appointment with my advisor to switch majors and figure out my class schedule for the next two years, I get to see my mother, sister, and bæ Easter weekend, and best of all, I’ll be done with exams in APRIL! I just need to power through these last 5 weeks of school. Unbelievable how fast this year has gone; however, I feel like I say that every year…

Oops, that was like 10 things in one, but just stick with me here.

5) I liked a gay man. He just hasn’t realized it yet. Yes, that part of the equation.

6) I enjoy dressing up! I’ve made it my goal to dress nice at least 4 out of the 7 days of the week… I’m not sure how long that will last, but I’m going to try! When I say dress nice, I mean fancier-ish clothes, maybe even a little make up and a fresh shower and perfume – you never know who you’re going to see! #Zeke

7) I think I’m going to pull out my guitar this weekend and play. I haven’t played in a long time, and I feel like I’ve forgotten all that I’ve learned!

8) Random thought: When I have kids, or at least hope to have kids, I will do everything in my power so they don’t have to grow up with social media. I think if I didn’t have facebook or instagram, I would be a much happier person. “Well delete it?” Is it really that simple though? I don’t think so. That’s another discussion for a later date.

9) It’s going to be another busy summer for me, but I like it that way. I’ll be working at the pool coaching and lifeguarding, reliving my Baywatch days…baywatch animated GIF

…and taking a summer statistics class. Only because I have to.

college animated GIF

And lastly:

10) Everything happens for a reason. The good, the bad, and the unexplainable. That’s the beauty of life.

Have a wonderful night – be happy – and have a great start of your week!

happy animated GIF


An Unbreakable Wall

I like to think that I’m pretty good at pretending acting hiding. I’m not necessarily good at hiding my emotions; no, definitely not. I practically wear my heart on my sleeve. However, I am great at hiding my thoughts.There has not been a single person with whom I’ve truly spoken my mind, and I mean, spoken my mind, what and how I’m really thinking. Now, for my friends that read my blog, more specifically this post please do not take offense to that previous statement. I have shared many a secrets, some more personal than others, with the few very close friends I have. I have even spoken to a psychologist for various reasons that will not be discussed and if asked about, will politely decline to answer. Regardless of this, I simply cannot directly express the words or thoughts running through my mind. I naturally begin to speak in riddles and write in metaphors. The walls slowly construct themselves, and I bottle up any and all emotions. My thoughts roll in and out like the tide on the shore. All I want is to find this internal peace and quiet so I try to find it through silencing myself and listening to the distractions of the world around me. No questions, no storytelling, just observing and appreciating.

My new favorite song obsession that perfectly relates to this blog post: https://youtu.be/eFXRQKYFbXE

You’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away

Come on, come on

The more you push me to speak, the more I pull away. I become distant, defensive, and reserved. What more can I say?

I just need [or want?] time and space.

They are unbreakable walls. They protect me and that is how it will always be. While I do not expect people to understand, I would hope they understand and respect my wishes to either talk or not talk about things.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sit on the cold metal bench, all cozy in a sweatshirt and blanket with a hot tea in hand. I have my head phones plugged in …

“…and at once I knew, I was not magnificent…”

The ducks are still fast asleep on the lake and the birds are wide awake happily chirping. The sun rises around 7:40am, and couldn’t be more beautiful. The colors wash together, various shades of hot orange and pink, even thin streaks of blue here and there. Halfway into the sky and it already feels significantly warmer. The beams brush my face and a small gust of wind whips through my hair like the perfect beginning or even ending scene in a movie. The music changes. “How many songs have passed? … how long have I been here?”  I ponder to myself.

“Some things we don’t talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while…”

I sip my tea and pull the arms of my blanket around me a little tighter. Memories cross my mind but I push them away shaking my head. People begin to slowly emerge from their homes; looks of dreariness and anxious longing to crawl back into hibernation etched in the dark circles under eyes and in their exasperated sighs… 

Pulling my Ray-Bans out of their case, I briefly glance over my shoulder, put them on, and slowly start to make my way back home. The sun yawns and shines its great rays over the landscape, casting grand shadows over the tall buildings and giving color to the bare trees.

Back inside my hall, I climb the never-ending stairs to my floor, and to my surprise I notice someone had written a message on our whiteboard. Someone in the prettiest and sweetest of fonts had left the following:

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~C.S Lewis

A delicate smile slips over my lips.

Tourist enjoying sunrise at Conrad, Bali - Hijauku File

…Everything happens for a reason…