An Unbreakable Wall

I like to think that I’m pretty good at pretending acting hiding. I’m not necessarily good at hiding my emotions; no, definitely not. I practically wear my heart on my sleeve. However, I am great at hiding my thoughts.There has not been a single person with whom I’ve truly spoken my mind, and I mean, spoken my mind, what and how I’m really thinking. Now, for my friends that read my blog, more specifically this post please do not take offense to that previous statement. I have shared many a secrets, some more personal than others, with the few very close friends I have. I have even spoken to a psychologist for various reasons that will not be discussed and if asked about, will politely decline to answer. Regardless of this, I simply cannot directly express the words or thoughts running through my mind. I naturally begin to speak in riddles and write in metaphors. The walls slowly construct themselves, and I bottle up any and all emotions. My thoughts roll in and out like the tide on the shore. All I want is to find this internal peace and quiet so I try to find it through silencing myself and listening to the distractions of the world around me. No questions, no storytelling, just observing and appreciating.

My new favorite song obsession that perfectly relates to this blog post:

You’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away

Come on, come on

The more you push me to speak, the more I pull away. I become distant, defensive, and reserved. What more can I say?

I just need [or want?] time and space.

They are unbreakable walls. They protect me and that is how it will always be. While I do not expect people to understand, I would hope they understand and respect my wishes to either talk or not talk about things.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sit on the cold metal bench, all cozy in a sweatshirt and blanket with a hot tea in hand. I have my head phones plugged in …

“…and at once I knew, I was not magnificent…”

The ducks are still fast asleep on the lake and the birds are wide awake happily chirping. The sun rises around 7:40am, and couldn’t be more beautiful. The colors wash together, various shades of hot orange and pink, even thin streaks of blue here and there. Halfway into the sky and it already feels significantly warmer. The beams brush my face and a small gust of wind whips through my hair like the perfect beginning or even ending scene in a movie. The music changes. “How many songs have passed? … how long have I been here?”  I ponder to myself.

“Some things we don’t talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while…”

I sip my tea and pull the arms of my blanket around me a little tighter. Memories cross my mind but I push them away shaking my head. People begin to slowly emerge from their homes; looks of dreariness and anxious longing to crawl back into hibernation etched in the dark circles under eyes and in their exasperated sighs… 

Pulling my Ray-Bans out of their case, I briefly glance over my shoulder, put them on, and slowly start to make my way back home. The sun yawns and shines its great rays over the landscape, casting grand shadows over the tall buildings and giving color to the bare trees.

Back inside my hall, I climb the never-ending stairs to my floor, and to my surprise I notice someone had written a message on our whiteboard. Someone in the prettiest and sweetest of fonts had left the following:

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~C.S Lewis

A delicate smile slips over my lips.

Tourist enjoying sunrise at Conrad, Bali - Hijauku File

…Everything happens for a reason…



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