When something good comes your way, you cling to it, holding on till the knuckles of your hands turn white, fingers using every ounce of strength to grasp the entirety of the situation, the moment, the individual…clasping so tightly so as to hold onto every ounce of spontaneity.
Especially when you want something so badly, it’s like everything seems to ache, you just want – you want to know! You want confirmation, you want to feel, you want to be vulnerable, you want to explore the deepest darkest secrets and expose them to the light and finally feel better about it.
But instead of feeling better, instead of feeling excited or new or… special? You feel lost, you feel ignored, even scared… It’s all up in the air. “It.” It being feelings, emotions, over analyzed thoughts, risqué experiences – they all come together to form this giant looming darkness that overshadows any ray of sunshine, any glimpse of happiness or sense of laughter because after all, there is nothing to laugh at. You’re dealing with a past of unwanted, shattered memories, broken hearts… maybe even still trying to mend the heart that hasn’t fully healed.
Skin to skin, we lay there wanting. “I like you” he says… I can’t help but smile, leaning in to kiss him, whispering in his ear “I like you too…” We share stories, funny incidents, personal secrets…our hopes and aspirations for the future. His lips, like his soul are kind and gentle; his eyes are like the color of a deep mahogany with the most subtle tint of forest green around the rim. His laughter melts the snow, encouraging the sun to come out and shine. He holds me in his arms and kisses my forehead… Is this what it’s like to be loved? I must say, it feels… it feels…?
. . .
Today though…my mind is not experiencing this, nor is my heart. We go through the motions, but instead of feeling the release of butterflies that first time he kisses me, I find myself opening my eyes to darkness, disoriented in my own room, alone, afraid, and melancholic. Yet there he is, still standing there next to me, “smile my dear” he tells me as he flashes his own set of pearly whites. But I am in no mood to smile. I flash a nostalgic smile, tears slowly starting to rise. Oh boy, here I go again. I bite my bottom lip, and at once they disappear. He pulls me toward him and once again we embrace, our heartbeats trying to identify the same rhythm, our minds searching for answers as we stand there in darkness, with only the natural light of the moon shaping our silhouettes against the floor.
It has been 1 week since the truth has been revealed.
But for me, my heart has longed for much longer…
I am impatient. I am selfish. I am emotional. In truth, I don’t know how to have a romantic relationship because I’ve never had one, actually I should say been in one. Oh how I’ve dreamed the dream and pictured the various dates we’d go on, but my faceless bachelor never came through. Maybe not until now. Even so, I question his intentions, which [shame on me] I know he is better than that. At least I hope. He is truly a wonderful, charming, and intelligent guy. And I greatly wonder what the future holds for him, for me, potentially for us?
Oh brain, or heart, or both…please stop playing games with me.