and 8, and 13…
And my brain.
and 8, and 13…
And my brain.
. . .
Once upon a time in a far away kingdom lived a beautiful princess. She was an intelligent girl who loved everything about life. She was musically gifted, singing like a lark and dancing to the beat of her own heart. Her mind was filled with glorious adventures and exciting imaginative tales. Her eyes were green like the emeralds on her father’s, the great King’s fingers, her lips as red the wild strawberries, and her hair strong and thick like a lion’s mane. Legend had it that when the princess smiled, the stars whirled across the night sky, and the moon even winked from time to time. She was simply radiant.
Her favorite story of all time was the one her mother, the Queen, told her about the White Knight. The White Knight was the strongest, bravest, and most honored cavalier in all the land. He battled fire-breathing dragons, climbed the tallest of mountains, and survived the harshest of climates. He was supposedly brilliant, romantic, and very, very handsome. However, he never removed his helmet, claiming that he would only reveal himself to his one true love when the time came.
One day, a letter arrived addressed to the princess. It was from the White Knight! The letter read that he wished to see her, that she may be the one. The princess’ eyes lit up and she ran quickly to her dressing room, looking for her finest dress. She glanced in the mirror at her untamed hair, twisting, braiding, until it softened into fine curls and a gentle bun. She spun once, then twice, then three times. Perfect. She thought.
She glided down the staircase with ease, and behold, waiting for her at the bottom of the steps was the elusive White Knight.
“How do you do, my lady?” He said with a bow.
“Well sir.” She curtsied, holding her composure, but slightly smiling, peeking up to catch a glimpse of his face.
“Sir Knight, I allow you to keep my daughter company tonight until the clock strikes midnight. Later than that and you shall fear the consequences.”
“Your majesty, your daughter will return safely, that be assured.”
The King and Queen smiled, as their beautiful princess waved goodbye.
It was a cool calm night, filled with exceptional conversations, witty banter, and flirtatious remarks on both sides.
“Sir Knight, may I ask you a question?”
“When can I see you, really see you?”
“You do see me. You see what you want to see of me. I am a part of your fairytale. The perfect parts folded into a human figure. I am what you want me to be. A knight in shining armor, here to rescue you from distress, from pain, from heartbreak. This is just imagination…(*echoes).”
. . .
The great thing about fairytales are always the endings. “And they lived happily, ever, after. THE END…” They make love, living, everything sound so easy. The damsel in distress waiting for prince charming to save her…
Excuse me, but I’d like to get a check on reality, please?
I may consider myself a hopeless romantic, but I’m certainly not that hopeless…or romantic. Then again, who am I kidding?
In a sense, I’ve become bitter about love. I have met my White Knight many of times. Seeing something that wasn’t truly there. Believing that he was perfect. Hoping that he would be the one to rescue me, not from a place on a map, but from my feelings of despair, from my fear of being alone. But in the truth of it all, I was a pawn in a wicked game of forgive and forget.
It is true, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Ironic, don’t you think? We imagine our future partner to be what we consider perfect, our valiant knight in shining armor…and the sad thing is, when this person comes around, we can’t help but deny our brokenness.
Tell me, what hurts more: loving someone that doesn’t love you back? Or, having someone love you, but deep down truly knowing they deserve better?
“She wasn’t bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.”
. . .
If there’s a twinkle in her eye, you know she’s made of greater things than just crowned jewels and romantic songs. She’s made of the brightness of the stars themselves, the saltiness of the ocean, the sweetness of the jungle fruit, and the warmth of the rising sun…And that is not a figment of the imagination, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Fear is real. It is powerful, manipulative, and silencing. It quietly works itself into the crevices of memories, especially lurking in shattered confidence, personal insecurities, and infamous memories. Fear stalks the shadows of your former ghosts feeding on pain and uncertainty. It can drive, no, will drive you insane if you don’t let go. It’s like the little devil that sits on your shoulder, but worse. It’s the little voice that whispers “what ifs” in your ear, clouding your judgement, looming over your head like a mysterious cloud of confusion. Except, you’re not confused, you know exactly what you’re thinking…it’s just, scary.
I’d like to think I’m not afraid of many things in life, with the few exceptions…
For example. I’m not afraid spiders, snakes, or heights. Vaccines, doctors, blood? Easy. *heartbreak? Darkness? Check and check. Death? Psh, not even a shiver down my spine.
EXCEPTIONS. Things I am afraid of: telephones, grades, exams, confrontations, *heartbreak, my weight/appearance, [sometimes] boys, getting married, being a failure/failing in general, being a disappointment…
(especially when she’s angry…that’s another story.)
Fear consumes these things, compelling us to become obsessive, a little too apprehensive, and a lot more anxious and unhappy.
but the real question is what do we do about it? Why do we let our fears get the best of us?
Maybe instead of being afraid of heights, you’re actually afraid of the view you’ve been missing this whole time… or instead of being afraid of getting your own heart-broken, you’re afraid of breaking someone else’s.
As far as my mother…don’t get me wrong, I love her to death.
but I will always have a small fear of her.
That still hasn’t answered either of my questions, however, as fear still exists.
In some cases, we do conquer fear. Some individuals go on to become not only great doctors, but successful ones, healing patients and finding a new cure. Others find a way to resolve issues with loved ones, rebuilding burned bridges, and piecing together the broken picture frames.
…yes, fear is a part of life. I cannot extend the advice that you should not live in fear, because in reality fear is a part of what makes living life, well, real. Fear is what keeps us grounded…but overcoming it is what helps us soar.
“To escape fear, you have to go through it, not around it.”
Happy [belated] New Year to all my fellow friends and bloggers! How exciting that we now enter a whole new year, a year filled with exciting adventures, opportunities, and possibilities. A clean slate: a great time to let go, explore, and of course, live! It’s time to give things a chance, to surrender the past and be ready for the future. To fall in love, out of love, and back in love all over again. To experience something so grand, that you can’t help but smile the whole way through it. To dance into the late hours of the night, when the stars come out and the whole world falls away. To realize what it’s like to finally find yourself, your purpose, ultimately your happy life.
2014 was quite a year for me in more ways than one. It was filled with great memories, big life changes both good and bad, challenging semesters, and new friends that to say “I’m blessed to have in my life” would be a complete understatement…When you find people that are just as crazy, interesting, and different as you, but most importantly care and love you for who you are and you toward them…the world becomes a brighter, more “survivable” in some cases, place.
*To my 2 wonderful friends at Loyal and Ohio State, thank you. YOU’RE THE BEST.*
I have to be honest, 2014 was, well, let’s just say “complicated” year…and I couldn’t be happier that it’s over.
With every new year, I have noticed a pattern in resolutions: losing weight, letting go of negativity, stop cursing…everything revolves around change in the way that you are leaving something behind. While this year I will be letting go of many things, I am also hoping to improve, acquire things/experiences in certain cases, and most importantly, grow and mature along the way.
I’ve realized that I’ve held on to a lot of negativity: pessimistic thoughts, cynical people, certain moments of my past which were not my proudest nor fondest moments…These things have clouded my judgement, ambitions, and even self-confidence. Especially with my past, I have found myself almost living in an undetectable fear, a fear that consists of just being “comfortable” with where I am. Additionally, it also has involved self-deprecation and lack of moral character in various circumstances which I will not go into greater depth about…they were not dignified moments, I’ll leave it at that. Similarly, I can be very, very stubborn, which is ironic thinking back… but anyway, it’s an unfortunate characteristic of mine many are not aware I have that definitely could use some work
So to all of that I say no more!
I’m quite excited to see what this new year has in store. It’ll be a busy one; however, I do better on tight schedules. The more time I have on my hands, the crazier I am, and for those of you who know me personally, let’s be real: I’m past the point of no return.
…ok maybe not THAT crazy. but close enough.
I’m looking forward to a lot of positive changes this year…desperately needed ones too.
As cliche as it sounds, it is true: life is to short to be unhappy. You get one shot, right? Might as well take a chance. And by chance, I mean well-thought-out-respectable-honorable-decision-made-only-by-you chance. You never know what could happen if you don’t try.
It would be cool if we could look into the crystal ball and predict our future, or even just see our parallel universes. What would have happened if we made a different decision? Not speaking up about something on your mind, getting a job you ended up disliking, or just realizing that this is your life, not your parents lives…are you picking up what I’m putting down?
I fall victim too. It’s all very much easier said than done…
and “What If’s” are 2 of the most powerful and cursed words out there.
So, in honor of this year, my ultimate resolution is to find a career that I know suites me and of course will find utmost happiness and success. I have little resolutions as well, but I can address those later, or I’ll end up mentioning them in another blog.
*Apologies on that too, I’ve been really bad at keeping up to date on my blogging lately. No excuses. Forgive me.*
But YESTERDAY, January 1st 2015 (wow that’s going to take some getting used to) I started my FIRST monthly challenge of 10,000 steps a day. I unfortunately left my pedometer at school, so instead of counting steps that way, I turned to google and just estimated 10,000 steps in miles. Turns out, it’s approximately 2.37 miles. Not too bad if you ask me. I ended up doing a frozen run, (mom thought I was nuts) on Thursday, and then a shorter run today with a lot of walking around…I’m not really certain I made 10,000 steps today, but fingers crossed it was close?
One thing I’ve already realized with this challenge:
NO EXCUSES. NADA. NOT GOING TO ACCEPT IT.
I need to buckle down and get serious with myself. No more “lost” or confusing feelings, I’m out of this funk and ready:
I felt like I had more to say. Anything else you want to add, brain? Nope. Ok… (Good now I’ve really lost it.)
Alright well I’m peacin’ out. Feel free to comment your New Year Resolutions! I’d love to hear them, Or if you’re doing the monthly challenges with me, YAY! I know it’s early in the game, but hey, I’m right there with ya.
Just remember folks,