Dear World

Henry is BOSS.

(From the man himself ❤ what a gem.)

Ok, let’s chat.

First things first:

1) I apologize for not blogging consistently, or with things of great interest. It has been quite a break to say the least.

2) Recently my younger sister had a little health scare, and while she is doing better, I’d greatly appreciate if you keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Lastly.

3) It has been 10 wonderful days into the new year, and I can’t say I’ve kept strong to all my Resolutions. For example, 10,000 steps a day, has been challenging, but I’m doing my best. Not being as honest or hard on myself as I should be, but I’ve been working out everyday (with the exception of today – drove back to school…) so maybe that should count for something? I know, I said no excuses. Practice what you preach! Ok, ok. Another one of my resolutions was to be more positive this year. Well, let’s just say that it’s a good thing that every day brings a new chance to start over. Again, 10 days into it all, and I’ve already dragged so much “drama” into the New Year that, I just need to take a deep breath on it all. And because this blog keeps me honest and I need to get it off my mind, I’ll share it with all of you (and then whomever else happens to stumble across this blog.)

Situation A: I have a “friend” who I have known for a little more than a month now. He’s an enlisted Marine as well as a volunteer firefighter and paramedic. He’s complimentary and passionate about his firehouse and work there, but he is also very focused and, as a Marine, extremely tough. We’ve been talking almost everyday, although since December 27th, he has been away training and keeping in contact has been extremely challenging. Some days I won’t hear from him until 7-8 hours later, and even then they’re brief, 2-3 word replies. Not to mention, he is there until March 25th or so, and believes he will deployed shortly following. Before he left, he gave me his military I.D tags saying he wanted me to hold on to them. Honestly, it felt (a lot) too soon for him to be giving them to me as I know it’s typically referred to as a huge gesture, but I humbly accepted them not really knowing what to do.

Since he’s left for training, our conversations have been nothing but inconsistent, terse, and lacking… A couple days ago I snapped at him because I asked him if he were still coming home when he said he was planning to, except he was now coming home a month later. And most likely still going to be deployed – meaning I wouldn’t see him for, what, 3 years? A long time. At the same time, my younger sister had her health scare earlier that week so I was already on edge with that, and finding out that he was going to be gone longer than I expected, on-top of his short texts and my intuition that he may be losing interest in me only made the situation worse. I told him I was losing my mind, then explained that things were crazy in my family…followed by an “I’m sorry for snapping…” all to which he responded “no worries.” Another small argument ensued in which of course I apologized again and he said “Drop it. Don’t be sorry… Apologizing is a sign of weakness.”

We did not talk the next day. *I REALLY lost it after he said that.*

I guess you can say we’re talking again…but it’s frustrating, rocky…neither one of us deserves this. It’s just not a good situation, much less healthy relationship. Ugh.

I’m not really sure why I’m adding all this detail, but I don’t care. It feels good to write it down.

Situation 2: I have a dear friend who I am so blessed to know (even though I haven’t met him yet!), truly wonderful, words can’t describe. Gosh, I’m not even sure how long we’ve been talking, but it feels like I’ve known him for years. He knows things about me that some of my closest friends don’t even know, and he’s shared some of the most fascinating and riveting stories and interests about his life that have made me both feel both amazed as well as very sorrowful. We have engaging conversations about the most fantastic things from the stars, to dancing, to dancing under the stars… and the more serious things like the crazy cat people and our broadway musical with our hit song “Be Our Cat!” Still makes me giggle to this day.

crazy cat people*Me in 37 years. Because 37 cats*

He’s intelligent, compassionate as well as passionate about his career and life ahead of him. He is a dreamer, but with hard work, he makes his dreams come true. There’s more to this gentleman than meets the eye let me tell ya.

I hope he doesn’t get mad at me for sharing this, but a few days ago, he expressed his feelings for me. I will admit, I had a feeling about it, I just wasn’t sure when he was going to say something. But I’m glad he did, really.

He is a Dark Knight (yes, like Batman…he actually is Batman). Is he my Dark Knight? I’m not sure. Going back to resolutions, one of mine was taking risks, being open to new experiences (mostly not being so stubborn)… but I do want to break this pattern, my pattern, of fall for someone who in the long run is only out for 1 thing and will end up hurting me and consequently making me feel ashamed, useless, and disposable. Friends, habits are hard to break.

I know it may be worth the risk, what do I have to lose? Quite frankly, a lot. I don’t want to lose a good friend. I’ve never had a solid guy friend like him, but who knows maybe it will turn into something more? With time.

Besides, he uses the word unrequited too frequently…

For right now, I need to focus on getting my head on straight and my life together before I think about becoming romantically involved with someone. He has big plans, I have big plans…who knows what our future has in store?

Falling in love is a sophisticated dance, but if I do say so myself we’ve both tangoed pretty darn well so far. 

A dance possibly to be continued overtime. Who knows where it will take us?

Milky Way Arch above Lulworth Cove

Today, well yesterday, I drove back to school…and I must say, it’s quite a relief to be back. As much as I love my family, it comes to a point where enough is enough. My mom and I actually had quite a few wonderful car-ride conversations. I got to know more about her upbringing, friends, relationships with her siblings, what attracted her most to my hardworking and dedicated father, and the difference between my generation and hers. For example, she payed for everything she wanted/needed, living off only essentials, whereas I…well not so much. I live off essentials, but as they say, you always want a better life for your kid. So, my essentials could be modified so to speak.

The most important connection we made though is that WE are strong women. That we are alike: independent, hard working, dedicated, always love a good laugh, have a bit of a temper (not nearly as much as my mom, I’m much more patient…I just get extremely stubborn…blame pops), more street smart than book smart, always love a good laugh, love to travel and tell stories, beautiful, compassionate and passionate, able to close past chapters of life (I’m still working on that one…), and most importantly, are always, ALWAYS there to support one another.

Of course I’m not saying we’re perfect, by all means we’re both far from it. But my mom is my inspiration and role-model. Even though we get on each others nerves at times, she is my rock and my strength, and I can’t thank her enough for everything she’s given me.

So you know what: here’s to starting over. Here’s to new relationships, taking chances *when the time is right, loving sensibly, and learning to listen. Every day is a new beginning. I have to remind myself of that. The more I relive the past, the more I miss in the present: the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. That’s life.

Thank you for listening.

Life Quotes 54

~cheers~

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