Mirror Mirror On the Wall, What is My Future After All?

The biggest lie in history: “Oh honey, you have lots of time to figure out what you want to do, I wouldn’t worry about it.” 

Fair warning to all: time is nothing but an illusion, a mind-trick, an intricate game we all are forced to play with in our life. It is neither friend nor foe, but if we are lucky, time can be forgiving, sparing us a second or two of pain and/or pleasure depending on the circumstances.

As if time weren’t complicated enough, throughout the course of our life, we are pressed to make decisions, life-altering choices that will determine our future and define who we are as people…

I apologize. This post is sounding darker than I intended it to be…I suppose it needs some context…

Growing up, I had my whole life planned out. I was going to be an Olympian, or collegiate athlete as well as successful student, attending the college of my parents’ dreams my dreams on a scholarship, majoring in something jaw-droppingly challenging, and then continue on to Medical School were I would happily have no social life, become a profound doctor, and cure patients, making a difference in my community. Following endless years of school, I would eventually fall in love, get married to a wonderful and similarly successful gentleman, have kids while somehow still going to work, and live happily ever.

God must have had a good laugh…

…my life doesn’t even come close to any what I had just said.

Currently, I am a second semester sophomore at a great university (*GO BUCKEYES! Oops I’m from Wisconsin, sorry not sorry), I have incredible and supportive family and friends, and countless opportunities that could change my life for the better. Unfortunately, though…

I am lost.

I am lost, I am confused, and I have lost confidence in myself.

Now. I am not asking you to pity me or tell me “you’re going to be fine! Everything’s going to work out, it all happens for a reason,” because I know that. I’m just asking you to listen…and hopefully, venting a little bit on this blog will help.

I thought I wanted to be a doctor. Turns out, I’m not necessarily cut out for it intellectually. Thought I wanted to be a nurse. That’s still in the running as a potential career; however, I would have to pursue it in graduate school, again, my current GPA rules me out of the running. Not saying my GPA is bad, but I don’t have the necessary 4.0 to get into the major. Then I thought about teaching…It’s actually been on my radar for quite some time now. I absolutely LOVE working with kids and could see myself happily working as a science teacher, either in high-school or even middle-school. But still, I wonder if that’s really the best choice for me?

I have 2 years of college left and here I am still not sure of what I want to do. Words can’t describe how frustrating it is. From the pressure I put myself under, to the pressure my parents unknowingly put on me…I know they want the best for me; I mean, any good parent wants what is best for their child, that’s a given.

but why is it I just can’t seem to figure it out?

why does this not seem,…right?

I am confident of 3 things at least.

1) I am in the right place – school wise.

2) I have wonderful, supportive friends and family to help me along my journey.

3) Wherever I end up, God will bless me and my choices…

I just hope they’re “right.”

For all who are lost [students], this one’s for you: you are not alone. I promise.

FTHL. One baby step at a time…

~cheers~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S: Here’s a little taste of what’s to come on the topic of [short] stories:

The white walls stared at them blankly, compressing restlessness and weariness into an uncomfortable and agonizing darkness. It was 2:48am.

She laid there quietly, surrounded by numerous daunting machines, a hostage beneath the tubes that were keeping her alive. Her chest rose and fell in tune with the incoming tide of his emotions and ceaseless thoughts:

And yet the salt water rises behind your lenses, threatening to escape at any moment

just waiting to roll down and chill your flushed cheeks.

You bite your tongue to silence the rebellion, 

but instead of silencing it, you rile a small shrike of pain

a hiccup of speechless torment lurches from the back of your throat…

and – …

A muffled voice echoed in the room returning him to reality. “Caden?  She feebly reached for him, her skin glowing under the light of the moon. He looked up from his writing, wiping the tears from his face hoping she didn’t see him crying. “I’m here. I’m – ” his voice cracked. He took a breath, “I’m here.”

The corners of her lips gently lifting, creasing into a dimple on her left cheek. “I have something to tell you” she whispered, her eyes steadily opening, trying to find him.

I…I love …”

. . .

Their meeting was not a likely one, nor was the development of their friendship ever put into consideration. Within a year, they would soon realize the differences and similarities in the world in which they shared, but also within the world they both created. For him, she revealed a world of mystery and magic. It was an enchanted yet natural world, calmly graced, evoked by her luminous presence. For her, he opened doors of adventure, occasional danger, and a sometimes almost too courageous passion. His spontaneity and enticing character popularized him among his peers as well as his admirers. She was never one of them necessarily, although she watched him from a distance, noting his mannerisms, flirtatious and persuasive behavior, quickly taking note before he turned his head in her direction, only to realize that she, this peculiar figure, had disappeared into the crowd like a shadow into the night.

She was not only a mystifying story, but a beautifully composed song – a song of a wallflower, just waiting for an understanding and lost soul to harmonize with her…little did she know that he would be the one to sing the harmony.

“They still wonder why they’re afraid of the dark…Don’t they realize they’re afraid of their own shadows?” ~LCS

to be continued…

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