To: My Friend. From: Yours Truly.

Words are powerful, it is true that they often times speak louder than actions. They are made from simple strung together letters and are given a mission, a meaning, and an emotion. When used carefully, they become a force with which to be reckoned. One that can potentially cause great damage, or one that can leave you in pure wonder and amazement.

I have a friend who is a persuasive writer. Persuasive in the sense that you can hear his voice in his writing…His writing is not just poetic, but it is also intelligent. He is a special kind of wallflower. He sees, understands, and analyzes. What he perceives translates differently than what I would discern. He thinks and writes like he dresses: in a rational and sophisticated manner. He is genuine, letting his analytical brain dictate, but mostly his heart translate. It makes for a beautiful composition.

There have been two occasions in which we have been speaking, and I have accidentally fallen asleep…waking up to a few new emails, a couple snapchats, and a text message. But not just any text message. A poem, an encouragement, a limerick that nearly brings me to tears because it feels like finally, finally, I am understood. That is one [of many] things this writer and I have in common…We have ballroom danced under the stars, felt the enchantment of life, and heard the people sing – all through the power of words…

 and I have yet to reply.

but how can I? What do I say?

How can I respond to such an eloquently written message? To such passionate thoughts that even my heart has troubling grasping? My mind clings for words, searching for the perfect sentence, the perfect counter, the perfect… je ne sais quoi.

I leave it blank.

I have to say something

I am utterly speechless.

I read it over, and over, and over. How?

How does he know what to say? (that’s a stupid question…but yet, here I am…still nothing.) 

. . . 

He is indescribable. Words will never do him justice as he is a unique wallflower, one you would never expect to even be a wallflower, but that’s just it…A wallflower’s perspective.

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.”

~cheers~

Mirror Mirror On the Wall, What is My Future After All?

The biggest lie in history: “Oh honey, you have lots of time to figure out what you want to do, I wouldn’t worry about it.” 

Fair warning to all: time is nothing but an illusion, a mind-trick, an intricate game we all are forced to play with in our life. It is neither friend nor foe, but if we are lucky, time can be forgiving, sparing us a second or two of pain and/or pleasure depending on the circumstances.

As if time weren’t complicated enough, throughout the course of our life, we are pressed to make decisions, life-altering choices that will determine our future and define who we are as people…

I apologize. This post is sounding darker than I intended it to be…I suppose it needs some context…

Growing up, I had my whole life planned out. I was going to be an Olympian, or collegiate athlete as well as successful student, attending the college of my parents’ dreams my dreams on a scholarship, majoring in something jaw-droppingly challenging, and then continue on to Medical School were I would happily have no social life, become a profound doctor, and cure patients, making a difference in my community. Following endless years of school, I would eventually fall in love, get married to a wonderful and similarly successful gentleman, have kids while somehow still going to work, and live happily ever.

God must have had a good laugh…

…my life doesn’t even come close to any what I had just said.

Currently, I am a second semester sophomore at a great university (*GO BUCKEYES! Oops I’m from Wisconsin, sorry not sorry), I have incredible and supportive family and friends, and countless opportunities that could change my life for the better. Unfortunately, though…

I am lost.

I am lost, I am confused, and I have lost confidence in myself.

Now. I am not asking you to pity me or tell me “you’re going to be fine! Everything’s going to work out, it all happens for a reason,” because I know that. I’m just asking you to listen…and hopefully, venting a little bit on this blog will help.

I thought I wanted to be a doctor. Turns out, I’m not necessarily cut out for it intellectually. Thought I wanted to be a nurse. That’s still in the running as a potential career; however, I would have to pursue it in graduate school, again, my current GPA rules me out of the running. Not saying my GPA is bad, but I don’t have the necessary 4.0 to get into the major. Then I thought about teaching…It’s actually been on my radar for quite some time now. I absolutely LOVE working with kids and could see myself happily working as a science teacher, either in high-school or even middle-school. But still, I wonder if that’s really the best choice for me?

I have 2 years of college left and here I am still not sure of what I want to do. Words can’t describe how frustrating it is. From the pressure I put myself under, to the pressure my parents unknowingly put on me…I know they want the best for me; I mean, any good parent wants what is best for their child, that’s a given.

but why is it I just can’t seem to figure it out?

why does this not seem,…right?

I am confident of 3 things at least.

1) I am in the right place – school wise.

2) I have wonderful, supportive friends and family to help me along my journey.

3) Wherever I end up, God will bless me and my choices…

I just hope they’re “right.”

For all who are lost [students], this one’s for you: you are not alone. I promise.

FTHL. One baby step at a time…

~cheers~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S: Here’s a little taste of what’s to come on the topic of [short] stories:

The white walls stared at them blankly, compressing restlessness and weariness into an uncomfortable and agonizing darkness. It was 2:48am.

She laid there quietly, surrounded by numerous daunting machines, a hostage beneath the tubes that were keeping her alive. Her chest rose and fell in tune with the incoming tide of his emotions and ceaseless thoughts:

And yet the salt water rises behind your lenses, threatening to escape at any moment

just waiting to roll down and chill your flushed cheeks.

You bite your tongue to silence the rebellion, 

but instead of silencing it, you rile a small shrike of pain

a hiccup of speechless torment lurches from the back of your throat…

and – …

A muffled voice echoed in the room returning him to reality. “Caden?  She feebly reached for him, her skin glowing under the light of the moon. He looked up from his writing, wiping the tears from his face hoping she didn’t see him crying. “I’m here. I’m – ” his voice cracked. He took a breath, “I’m here.”

The corners of her lips gently lifting, creasing into a dimple on her left cheek. “I have something to tell you” she whispered, her eyes steadily opening, trying to find him.

I…I love …”

. . .

Their meeting was not a likely one, nor was the development of their friendship ever put into consideration. Within a year, they would soon realize the differences and similarities in the world in which they shared, but also within the world they both created. For him, she revealed a world of mystery and magic. It was an enchanted yet natural world, calmly graced, evoked by her luminous presence. For her, he opened doors of adventure, occasional danger, and a sometimes almost too courageous passion. His spontaneity and enticing character popularized him among his peers as well as his admirers. She was never one of them necessarily, although she watched him from a distance, noting his mannerisms, flirtatious and persuasive behavior, quickly taking note before he turned his head in her direction, only to realize that she, this peculiar figure, had disappeared into the crowd like a shadow into the night.

She was not only a mystifying story, but a beautifully composed song – a song of a wallflower, just waiting for an understanding and lost soul to harmonize with her…little did she know that he would be the one to sing the harmony.

“They still wonder why they’re afraid of the dark…Don’t they realize they’re afraid of their own shadows?” ~LCS

to be continued…

There’s More To Me Than Meets The Eye

Just like the saying goes, “never judge a book by its cover.”

I wonder what my book/life cover looks like? Well, here’s how I’d like to imagine it:

Plain and simple.

No frilly pink streamers, or dancing unicorns, or even a huge “I LOVE JESUS” sticker. It would be a sea of colors, so beautiful and intricate that every time one would look at it they’d discover something new. A new image, a new opinion, potentially a new secret or great discovery.

I had a wonderful conversation with a very dear friend of mine today about the “realness” of people. By that I mean honesty and openness. It was interesting to hear from her about how we have grown so close over the years, but how she has especially learned so much about me from reading my blogs…realizing that we actually have a lot more in common than initially expected! Amazing, right?

My favorite thing about this blog is that I feel free. There’s no BS on any of these posts, and you can hold me to that. It is here that I can express my thoughts with the world, (the world being my 7 followers, including myself…lame, I follow my own blog! Shhh…) but it is also here where I feel most accepted and understood. This crazy brain of mine can give flight to every thought, feeling, emotion, everything! They begin to write themselves, my keyboard their launchpad and my fingers their rocket. Even though it may be but a shout into the void (referencing TFIOS), I hope that maybe these messages, stories, occasionally hilarious but ever so real posts reaches someone’s ears, ears that need to hear words like “you are not alone” and “you matter” because these things are true. Each and every one of us has a purpose here on earth. And despite the hardships and struggle that may come, my friend, that’s just a part of living.

Although my cover may be just various colors blended together to look somewhat united it is neither plain, nor is it simple. Just like a person. We all have something, whatever that may be it is ours and ours alone. We have the power if we so choose, to share it or keep it concealed. Of course that is, once we discover what it is that makes us who we are. That’s the beauty about life and about friendship. We all have a story of our own… but it is only a matter if we decide to sit down and turn the page to truly set foot on a new adventure.

*”The grass may be greener on the other side, but be careful, it might just be spray painted to look that way.”* (to be continued…)

*Characters to potentially make an appearance this weekend…stay tuned! 🙂

Radical-Acceptance-Accepting-What-is-Both-in-Yoga-and-Life

~cheers~

Dear Family: An Open Letter for the Holidays

love holidays just as much as the next person, especially Christmas. Well, my mom “hates” Christmas so hopefully she’s not next to me… (I’ll get to that in a second), but Christmas time is my favorite time of year. I love the Christmas caroling, decorations, adorable couples smooching under the mistletoe, and of course, the holiday break (all you college kids, ya feel?). Glancing through all the beautiful Christmas cards, mostly from people I don’t know – parents’ friends or something, watching old Christmas movies, and the family get togethers? What could be better?… hooray.

Family “get-togethers” in my household are… interesting. No, that’s an understatement… Truthfully, there’s really no way of describing them, but I’ll do my best.

My mom always says to us, “every family has something,”  in other words, she means every family has a secret, or a problem, or some sort of thing, whatever it may be. Our family is no different. We have many the things, but for the purposes of this post, I’ll only discuss one, and that is: family…especially on holidays. *Lord help us*

In short, my mom, sisters, and I are not very “close” to my dad’s side of the family…So when family holidays roll around the corner, we look for escape plans. You think I’m joking. Oh no, that I am not. My sister and I almost feigned illness to get out of Christmas dinner (mom’s idea…not mine), but neither one of us had the courage to do so. *cough cough.* And like any good parental protector, my mother prepares us by roll-playing “typical” conversations that my relatives would ask me. Constantly, she reminds me saying “you’re too open and honest, make sure you quiz them back! Like, “how’s your job going? What have you been up to then?” It goes on, and on…She also warns us about holiday weight. *ugh*. “Don’t eat anything there, especially the desserts! Pretend it’s like poison. DON’T eat it.” “Yes mom…” Please tell me you laughed at that, don’t feel sorry, the food is actually a little on questionable…

Finally by the time we’re in the house, somewhat settled down between an aunt pretending to have Alzheimer’s and a grandmother who legitimately has Alzheimer’s, you can quite say the festivities have begun! Not to mention the typical questions: “How’s college? You’re at OSU right?” “Yes, Ohio St- “(Dad interrupts): “THE Ohio State” *everyone laughs, mom rolls her eyes* “Yes, that’s correct. I love it there, it’s absolutely wonderful.” “Great! What’s your major? Do you have friends? How long of a walk is it from one end of campus to the other?”

mother hawk swoops in to “save” me, switching subjects: “How about that WI vs. OSU game?! Quite a shocker.”

FYI: I rooted for OSU. *I’m from WI? Oops.* I love my Buckeyes too much more.

After what seems like an eternity of small talk and catching up, I hear my favorite question of all time: “SO Beth, where’s your boyfriend?”

(Oh my boyfriend? Funny you should ask! He’s currently in the hospital with a horrible case of nonexistent.)

“Oh, I don’t have a boyfriend.” (Thanks for the reminder, family…)

To all my single ladies and gents: It’s ok to be single. You’re better off being in no relationship than any sort of toxic relationship. Been there, done that…unfortunately can’t say it won’t happen again, I’m just a bit too naive when it comes to love. *sighs*

My mom wants me to find someone from the Naval Academy…Or of course to sit next to some cute guy in church, but let me give you fair warning: just because he wears a cross around his neck, doesn’t mean he carries those values outside the Church doors…You have been warned.

To be quite honest, I don’t mind being single. I’ve been single for so long, I’ve grown quite fond of my independence. Then again, I wouldn’t mind having someone’s hand to hold, or to cuddle up with on cold winter days…or to tell me I’m beautiful even if I look like I’ve been asleep for a century. Not even that. Instead, dance with me, splash in the rain puddles, log roll down giant hills, gaze at the stars and admire their beauty…We all get so caught up in the physicality of relationships, but what about the simple aspect of just being together?

*Side thought: Gosh! I’m starting to come up with a bunch of new post ideas…man oh man.

Back to the story:

By the time all the questions have been asked and answered, the watches checked (we’ve stayed longer than desired), and goodbyes said, we’re finally in the car on the way home. FINALLY. But to be quite honest, it’s a sad thing, feeling happy saying goodbye to family. (Don’t get me wrong, I was happy, more like ECSTATIC, once I was out of there, but still…it’s not right.)

Family time is a precious event. Even if it’s with people who you don’t know that well, or get on your very last nerve…These are people who care about you, and are there for you in time of emergency. Although my family dynamics may not change, ever for that matter, especially with my dad’s side of the family, that doesn’t mean that [neither] I [nor you] can’t make an effort to change it [with your own family]. We have so much to learn from one another, so why not start learning from the closest people around you – with family?

Happy Holidays everyone, stay safe and stay sane.

~cheers~

Apologies! And of course… Merry Christmas!

Hello everyone!

I sincerely apologize for my lack of posts lately…I can’t say that I’ve been really busy, more like really lazy and just haven’t exactly put in the time or effort to post. I promise I’ll get on it. There are so many things I need to discuss!

First thing: MERRY CHRISTMAS [to all of you who celebrate] otherwise happy holidays! I hope family hasn’t driven anyone crazy yet (post on that to come…) and that you all are having a relaxing and/or productive break. Honestly, I haven’t done too much myself. Tickled the ivories (Yes, I’m a pianist…mostly by ear) and worked on my guitar skills a little. I’m trying to teach myself guitar. So far, I have 1 song which consists of 2 cords? Maybe 3… Hooray for self-teaching! What else, spent a lot of time, with family…nothing too exciting.

Second thing: As the new year quickly approaches, so do my list of challenges! #superstoked. (Oh my gosh just used a hashtag. That’s embarrassing, call the cops.) I’ve also been concocting some very, very short stories (in my brain mostly) although I’ve fixated on the names of two characters that I believe deserve their own, elongated story…we shall see. And no, I will not reveal their names, not yet. Soon. Be patient, young grasshopper.

Third thing: I just want to say thank you to everyone – stranger or friend alike – who reads my blog. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. It truly makes me feel like I’m not the only one in this world sometimes. 🙂 So thank you.

Ok, onto my next post! (Stay with me computer, don’t die on me! Background story: my computer cord stopped working…womp womp.)

To all my lovely fellow bloggers,

~cheers~

Troubling Tattooed Memories

Pain is a ghost. Haunting, harrowing, and confounding. It lives in our memories, places we’ve made mistakes, and of course at the grave. When we cannot accept the circumstances, it waits for us, surfacing from the abyss of the past, taking us by surprise. Pain is an unremitting ache, a fierce longing for something that will never, or we may never be able to change. Even so, if we choose to accept the pain, it will forever linger on our minds, subtly tugging at our hearts, causing a rebellion of spontaneous and unwanted tears to leap forward from behind colorful, circular glass walls…Walls that unveil our souls, our deepest secrets, and our silenced cries to be understood.

That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

Internal wars are the worst. The bloody emotional battle between the head and heart, the difference between experiencing pleasure versus experiencing sincerity. What does that even mean? Think  about truth – honesty. What does that mean to you? It should mean something, hopefully. When you are battling against yourself, you are battling against more than just, well, you. You challenge your inner demons, the voices that persuade you to “live without regrets or fear of hurting someone else, much less yourself.”  It tests your view of self-worth and value, especially when it comes to your vulnerability. You battle with your morals, your personal boundaries, and yet you find yourself entwined with a fallen angel. So beautiful and believable, but you, being so young and naive, do not realize that you are one kiss-of-death away from perpetual memories of this monumental rebellion of character. Such a brief moment of impulsiveness and fearlessness…it lasts but all of a moment, whereas the recollections remain for a lifetime. Never to be evaded or eradicated from the depths of your mind. It becomes a permanent subconscious nightmare.

Secrets, like pain, are revealed in the darkness, but concealed in the light. Come nightfall, when our minds, bodies, and souls are exhausted, we are in our most vulnerable state. Even though we may yearn to be nocturnal, it is pain that provokes us. We are so eager to fall away, but there is no escaping it. The twilight eventually blankets us, beckoning us to drift among its infinite seams, and at last, we collapse from weariness under its influence.

We let go, allowing our minds to wander as we float in the middle of an ocean. The salt water stings our eyes. Little tiny drops roll down flushed cheeks to the corners of the mouth and we can’t help but taste the sweet bitterness of our past.

I understand pain… While I may never experience it in all of its ungodly forms, I know where it hides, and consequently how it affects and changes our thoughts, the ability to trust, and the courage to love with a broken heart.

“If only they could listen with their hearts and not their minds, maybe then they would understand that often times it’s the emotions not spoken that are longing to be heard.”

365 Days of Challenges

Hello fellow readers! I quickly want to apologize for the funky formatting on the last post. I’m not sure why but I can’t figure out why it did that. I tried to fix it, but no avail… Oh well. Please accept my apology.

I want to inform you that starting 2015, I am going to be doing monthly challenges, each with a different theme, hence 365 days of challenges. Even though for that month the challenge will remain the same, it is still a challenge – against time, against fatigue, and against myself.

I would also like to cordially invite you to partake on this expedition with me! Feel free to modify them to your lifestyle, or just outside your comfort level. Additionally, I am definitely up for any suggestions! Nothing too crazy, though. I am human after all.

She’s crazy, why in the world is she doing this? Oh I’m so glad you asked!

In some ways, yes this is one of those “life-changing New Year’s Resolutions,” but it’s also more than that. For 31, 30, or 28 days, I will be chronicling my pursuit here on this blog – although I think I will post it under another name. I’ll let you know a week before I begin. These are self-exploration, healthy changes, and positive life-style adaptations that I hope to continue for as long as I can.

Ready? Awesome. Here we go!

January: Strive for 10,000…steps. Either walking or running. Yes, everyday. 

February: Everyone loves a good hug…Share the love today! Give someone a hug, high-five, handshake, or compliment. (*Do something that would make them smile.)

March: Write down something for which you are thankful. *Alternatives: write down something positive in your life, or write down something that made you smile or laugh. 

Happy animated GIF

April: Take one picture each day. It could be of anything, friends, nature, buildings, be creative!

May: Meditation. Take 5-10 minutes from you and find your center and inner peace. Namaste. 

(http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/12/the-grinch-does-yoga.html)

June: Wake up early. For me, early is between 5:30-6:00am. (*It must be earlier than 8:00am)

Animals Crawling animated GIF  6 Alarm animated GIF

July: *Paparazzi!* Ditch the social media! (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) 

Bradley Cooper Jennifer Lawrence animated GIF

August: Drink 8 glasses of H2O. Easier said than done sometimes…

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September: Eat au natural. Vegetarian for a month? (Game on. For me, I will exclude all meat except fish… Other than that, adios…)

October: Be creative! Write (or read) a poem, dance around your room or with friends, sing a great song, or draw something meaningful to you.

dancing animated GIF  Anna Disney Frozen animated GIF

November: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious…What. Learn a new word and keep a journal of all the words you learn. (To make it harder: try to use that word at least 3 times in your day)

December: You don’t need more sugar, you’re already sweet as is! Bye bye sweets…(milk/dark chocolate included…)

Cookies Eating animated GIF

Big Time Rush James Maslow animated GIF

So what do you guys think? I know this blog will definitely hold me accountable, but I’m excited to do it! If you have any recommendations or suggestions for better or harder challenges, comment them below.

~cheers~